Consolation happens almost everywhere.

It might be a hug from a son or daughter after a very tiring and stressing day. Or maybe a lovely song on the radio after a quick cry that eventually makes you smile. But how can you consider an illness to be a consolation?

At the age of sixteen, I have realized that it was.

As I look back on that unforgettable declaration, five years ago to be exact, I cannot help myself to burst in tears. My ambition then was so clear in front of me, finish my high school years and land in a prestigious school for college. I was in my senior years then when they told me about it. It gives me a long shock and makes me denies the reality. I am very ill. I have to undergo a year or two or three years of medication. No one knows how long. 

I take the medication no matter how hard it was for me to take it. It hurts and I think it was killing me. Every day I am trying to think of a thing that I have done that makes me deserving to take such pain at a very young age. Nevertheless, I just could not find one. Then I start questioning God why He is so cruel in me. I kept on telling Him that he is so unfair when it comes to me. Never once that I let a day pass without questioning Him and telling Him my sentiments about Him. There were even times that I have doubted his existence. I cannot even feel Him in me. He seems so distant especially at times that I am in great pain.

There comes a time that I thought, “This is it!” and planned to end up my suffering through suicide. I was totally at lost then that is why I have thought such craziness but still there is a part of me that stops me. A hundred times, that it came across my mind to do it but I think I am not just that brave to kill myself then. Days passed and my anger grows stronger and bigger. I locked myself, quit school, pestering the people around me who care about me and never smile again.

I have lost control to myself then. I do not think right. I just jump off to things without a single thought. I lost my respect to everyone and learned to hate the whole world. Then, something came up that makes me realize how stupid I was. Because of staying away to everyone, reading keeps me busy, but it even makes me pity myself more every time I see girls in the magazine. They were all in good shape not like me.

Then one day I have realized that, I do not have books or magazines to read. Therefore, I make a quick check in my shelves and found one book I have never read before. It was a bible. It was a gift from my Uncle to my Dad, which eventually he forgot that it exists. Way back in my sophomore years I have learned about book cutting, so I have decided to do it in the bible of a change since I am really bored if I do not have something to read. Bible cutting is reading a page or verse that your eyes set sight first. Therefore, I open it and viola. My eyes landed on the first book of Peter, chapter four, verses twelve to thirteen that says, “¹² beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: ¹³ but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.”

I feel something inside me that cries of shame. At that very moment, I kneeled and talk to Him the way I used to talk to Him when I was just a normal girl. I ask for His forgiveness for not believing in Him and for losing my faith. Then I burst in tears to Him after I told Him what I feel at that very moment. It was a relief after that conversation with God. I feel that the heavy burden inside me is gone. I feel renewed and free. No more grudges and pain.

Now, here I am, facing my sickness but not alone anymore. I have Him with me. I am stronger now, much stronger when I was just nothing. My illness, I have realized, was just a consolation for the real price that I have received is what I am now, strong and has faith in Him.

It's a Wake-Up Call

Heavy rains keep falling outside my windowsill. It seems like the sky is in deep pain and she can’t control her eyes from bursting in tears. I can hear the sound of the rain just on top of my head, strong and so intense. It is most likely my habit to reminisce things, especially during this kind of the day. The deep drop of the rain has transported me to the days were I wished would last forever.

I grew up in an average type of family, wherein my dad work as a cub driver and mom stays at home attending their five little kids. At an early age of seven, my mom has taught me so many household chores, since I am the eldest girl of the five. My elder brother do the hard one like fetching water while I do the rest like cooking (rice), washing the plates, do some cleaning at home, sometimes assists my mom in washing the clothes and if my elder brother were not in the mood, he will drag me too in fetching a galloon of water. It was hard really thinking that poverty seems forever.

I can even remember how we consume a pack of noodles and a can of sardines for a lunch (well most of the time we don’t eat our breakfast) for the whole family. Sometimes my parents will just let us eat their part. Well that is if we have some food in the table, but there were even times that we don’t really have any food to eat. Rice and water will keep us full for the whole day. Sometimes rice with a pinch of rock salt will satisfy us. There were even times that we do not even have a rice to cook, so we will just sleep and forget the howling of our stomach in pain.

I can even still remember those days that we are asking some left over food to our neighbor, who is unfortunately my dad’s aunt, but she is too cruel to us. She often refused to give us, sometimes she will hand us some but with a tail of criticism about our family. We just take it all wholeheartedly.

Nevertheless, that was also some of the best memories I have with my family. Emptied stomach but we are all together and still we can manage to laugh at night. That was the old days. It was gone now. But I would rather hang on to that part of our lives where we are together famished with delicious food but full of joy in our hearts.

I really miss those days now. I miss those Sunday breakfast and lunch with my family. Papa will prepare a mouth-watering food just for that weekend like seafood and veggies. God knows how much I miss those happy days.

I miss the stories from him before we go to sleep; it was even my Papa who told me the story of the “IBONG ADARNA” before I’ve learned it at school. I miss the tricky math problem that he wants us to solve but often times it’s my elder brother who always got the right answer and explanation. 

I miss the giggles because of his jokes that really could give us a pain in our ass. I miss our house. I miss cleaning the house. I miss everything. I miss my family. I wish I could be with them. I wish I could give them everything this world could offer. I wish everything is fine and perfect.

These wishes have gone along with those pebbles wash in the rain. They’re going no where but in the ditch. The rain has stopped and it’s time for me to pick up myself now and face the reality. It’s a wake-up call.

Realization

At this point of time, I’ve discovered something in me.

As I was lying sleepless in my bed, the clock is tickling in my ears; it seems like a gentle touch that carries me to my deepest slumber. But then a phrase just popped-up in my head, shouting at me… “You are so alone now! There’s no one who will be there for you! No one Joan!” so I jumped off from my bed and cleared my mind.

So then I’ve realized as I have stared the place that I’m staying. Yes, I’m totally alone.

It broke my heart apparently realizing such painful certainty.

In the midst of my self-pity and depression (daw), something within me triggers my heart and mind. It awakens me from my unconsciousness. It shows me the essence of all these heartaches and pain.

It seems talking to me saying, “Do you know the quintessence of failure, hurt and being alone? It is the product that we become. Through this you’ve learned to dream and stand!”

“Wow!” was the only word that I have been able to utter after that recognition.

Well, I maybe alone but through this it makes me independent and strong person in this game called LIFE.

God's Compliment

It was said that just before our mother conceive us God has already planned what would be our life is in this world. God has planned every detail of it, who will be our parents, who will be our brothers and sisters, where to grow up, who will be our friends, and that every problem we stumbled into was part of it. Moreover, that pain is part of His plans, for us to be strong. Therefore, God must have planned it too who will be the person who will gonna hurt us.

What struck me most is the reality that God is up there, watching me. So why can’t He hear me pleading for His help? Why can’t He help me with my sickness? Why can’t He take this pain away? Everyday I’m blaming God for everything, charging Him for ignoring me and accusing for not loving me. I was then very upset to Him because I thought that He doesn’t love me at all and that He plays deaf when it comes to me.

I often talked to Him though a part of me believe that He wasn’t listening at all, telling Him how I feel, letting Him feel the grief I feel inside. I told Him that I always pray for Him and that I didn’t fail to remember Him once in a while. I pray to Him everyday for graces, health and happiness but why does when it comes to me it’s hard for Him to hear me?

So then, I stop talking to Him, not writing stuff in my diary. I stop questioning Him of my endless why. I just leave it that way and thought of why wasting my time talking to a God that I’m not even sure that it really exists anyway.

It was one boring afternoon, I was dusting my bookshelves and a book caught my attention, a part of me recognize that it was a bible, but then a part of me is curious of what shall I gonna find in there. So I pick up the bible take a quick look and presto! My eyes landed on a passage that says, “¹²Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you. ¹³But rejoice, in as much as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.”

So then, I fell in the floor and stay for a couple of minutes trying to pull myself up to the reality. I sobbed and cried for so long, shameful for what I have said and done to Him. After reflecting, I have decided to talk to Him again and ask for forgiveness. And that I was just being so blinded by His tests at hand. And I was so sorry for being so insensible and for being so skeptical.